The Finals!

Jackson vs. Roosevelt

3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) The man nicknamed “Old Hickory” because of his toughness, survived the first ever assassination attempt on a U.S. president.
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) On his expedition through Africa he and members of his party killed or trapped over 11,400 creatures. Of these, 512 were big game animals (elephants, rhinos, etc.) To be fair, though, he did stop from killing a black bear on a hunting trip which caused a toy company to create the Teddy Bear.

It all comes down to this. The two biggest political badasses of all time. There is no telling how this one will shake out. Both men enter the ring, neither showing fear or doubt. It is hard to tell which of the two has been more beaten up throughout the tournament, but we can see that Roosevelt is walking with a slight limp, possibly from his confrontation with Ford in the quarterfinals. Jackson, meanwhile, has a large bandage around his head. If you look closely you can see blood beginning to seep through. The gash from Washington’s axe must have been pretty deep.
The beginning of the bout is fairly even. The two presidents mainly try to feel each other out and get an idea of what they’re up against. It isn’t until Roosevelt lands a hard right jab to Jackson’s stomach that the fight really begins. From that moment on it’s chaos. Fists and feet are flying, Roosevelt is sent flying across the ring, only to recover and come charging back against his foe. Jackson is quick and unpredictable, Roosevelt solid and powerful. The two are perfect examples of toughness, masculinity, and rage personified. For every quick jab that Jackson lands on Teddy, Roosevelt is able to return the favor. The fight goes on for a long time. At one point, Jackson falls to the ground after a particularly hard punch to the bandaged side of his face. He groans as he attempts to steady himself and bring himself to his feet. The crowd thunders, half in anticipation of his recovery and half in triumph of Roosevelt’s sure victory. Roosevelt allows himself a moment to gloat, smiling cheerfully at the crowd as Jackson staggers. But it is not over yet. Jackson, fully on his feet, reaches up to his face, to the place where both Washington and Roosevelt got him. He reaches up and grabs hold of the bloodied bandage. With one fierce tug, he pulls the bandage from his face, revealing a disfigured and grotesque figure beneath. The crowd gasps and Roosevelt takes a small step backward. Jackson gathers all of his remaining energy, which is very little at this point, and rushes at Roosevelt. With all of his power, he swings a strong right toward Roosevelt’s face. If he connects, he wins. If he misses, he loses. Roosevelt sees the punch coming and begins to dodge…

Winner: Jackson. The punch lands squarely on Roosevelt’s chin. Teddy doesn’t move in time, leaving him open to Jackson’s final attack. He wobbles slightly and falls to the ground unconscious. Jackson stands over him looking drained. A drop of blood falls on the canvas next to Roosevelt’s body as the crowd rushes the ring, raising Jackson on their shoulders to resounding cheers.

The Semifinals

19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)

1. George Washington (1789-1797) Even when he decided not to run for a third term, Washington still received 2 electoral votes in the 1796 election. Always a crowd favorite, Washington definitely has home-court advantage for this match-up.
3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) After he was captured by the British at 14 (and struck by a sword) he walked home barefoot for over 45 miles while his mother and older brother rode on horseback ahead of him. His brother died soon thereafter, but Jackson recovered.
Winner: Jackson. Like Rasputin, Jackson was hard to kill. His toughness is tested throughout the tournament, but not more so than when he faces Washington. As the two stalwart leaders prepared to battle, everyone knew that the fight would be a long and brutal one. Jackson eventually gains the upper hand, leaving Washington no other option than to break out his famous axe. With one hard blow, Washington strikes Jackson in the face. Jackson falls to the ground, blood pouring from the gash across the left side of his head. He slowly rises to his feet, looks Washington in the eye, and takes a step forward. Washington, in shock that his adversary is still standing, does not move as Jackson’s fist comes up underneath his chin. A vicious uppercut sends the father of our country flying backwards. He lands on the ground, his wooden teeth clattering to the floor next to him, and is knocked out of the fight. Jackson turns around slowly and faces the crowd: “Somebody get me a damn towel.”


20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)

1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Led scientific expeditions in South America and Africa, during which many of his companions were killed. Roosevelt survived them both, although was weakened by his journey through Brazil.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Former Director of the CIA, used to be able to run 4 miles in 30 minutes.
Winner: Roosevelt. Bush Sr.’s unexpected run comes to an end. It was a nice, long ride for 41, but his luck has run out. Teddy has no bad back like Kennedy, so there are no weaknesses for Bush to expose. In a somewhat disappointing semifinal, Roosevelt dispenses easily with the elder Bush and sets his sights on Andrew Jackson. As he is leaving the beaten Bush behind, Roosevelt sees a commotion to his left. Out of the stands comes an angry Barbara Bush. She is swinging her pocketbook over her head. When she gets within reach of Teddy, she smashes the bag over his head. Roosevelt looks stunned, but composes himself. “I was taught never to strike a woman. But for you I’ll make an exception.” He punches her in the stomach and walks on as she doubles over in perfect mirror-image of her husband. As he’s leaving, Teddy says to no one in particular: “This just goes to prove that the Roosevelts are the greatest political family in history.” F.D.R. gives his cousin a solemn head-nod from the gallery.



So it's all set. The Finals of the Presidential Face-Off 2006 will take place on Monday, May 22nd. Andrew Jackson vs. Theodore Roosevelt. Tune in Monday to find out who will be crowned champion.

A break from the Presidential Bash...

I am taking a short break from the battle of the presidents in order to tell you all that I will be attending the Apple event of the year tomorrow night. Click here to read about the grand opening of the brand new 24-hour 7-day a week Apple Store on 5th Avenue. A few friends and I are going tomorrow night to stand in line with the other throngs of Apple fans and hope to win free t-shirts and free MacBooks. I know that most of you won't care about this, but at least Burb and Jack Thunder will be excited. I'll let you guys know how it is.
In the meantime, here's a sneak peek at the all glass entrance to the store:

The Quarterfinals

19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)

1. George Washington (1789-1797) 6 feet 4 inches tall, with a nearly two foot wingspan. Probably played center in the Revolutionary War rec basketball league.
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Typhoid, cholera, dysentery, and poison are some of the things that people have claimed killed Taylor while in office.
Winner: Washington. The two sickest men in the tournament square off for a tough battle between the solid and stoic Washington and the fierce and angry Taylor. After falling behind early on, Washington is able to find the inner strength that led him through battles in New York and Princeton. Taylor tries his best to scowl his enemy into submission, but to no avail.

3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) During a duel against a man regarded as the fastest and most accurate shot in the country, Jackson took a bullet to the chest. He staggered backwards, steadied himself, and raised his pistol. Just before he fired, his opponent called out “My God! Have I missed him?”
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Had to have his shoes custom made because no one carried size 14.
Winner: Jackson. Poor Abe Lincoln. The man is so honest and kind, but he cannot handle the ferocity that is Andrew Jackson. Jackson comes after Lincoln like a psychotic whirlwind. For a #2 vs. #3 seed matchup, it isn’t even close.


20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)

1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Once rode 98 miles on horseback in a single day. As president. From the White House to Virginia and back again. And made it back in time for a late supper.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Though an undoubtedly gifted athlete, was known as somewhat clumsy.
Winner: Roosevelt. The ultimate match-up of “good ol’ boys” leads to a rough and dirty fight. Ford is able to take Roosevelt’s feet out from under him, but is not quite strong enough to finish the job. Roosevelt sees his opportunity while lying on the ground and rises up with a heavy grunt, swinging out towards Ford and sending him crashing down.

11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Was shot down twice during his World War II service as a Naval Aviator.
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) In 1949, Ike went from smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day to none, quitting cold turkey.
Winner: Bush. The most unexpected, unpredictable outcome. George H.W. Bush slugs through a tough, brutal fight with the 5-Star General and comes out victorious. How could this happen? Eisenhower got a little cocky after two rounds of relatively easy matches. He comes out a little slow and Bush takes advantage. By the time Eisenhower realizes that this is no pudgy Clinton or winded Harrison, it’s too late: Bush claims another victim on his Cinderella ride.

Second Round, cont'd.

20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)

Second Round:
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) During a campaign stop in Milwaukee in 1912, Roosevelt was shot in the chest. He pulled the blood-smeared text out of his pocket and gave the speech anyway.
8. William McKinley (1897-1901) Roosevelt became president thanks to McKinley’s assassination. McKinley survived nine days after being shot, but eventually succumbed to his injuries.
Winner: Roosevelt. Roosevelt may feel a little weird about taking on the man who made him president, but he overcomes his hesitancy and beats McKinley. Although, if Roosevelt needs any inspiration, he should only remember that his assassin tried to kill him because McKinley came to him in a dream and told him to shoot Roosevelt.

5. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) Active and athletic into his 70s, Reagan was also able to survive an assassination attempt.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) The only man never to have been elected either president or vice-president but served in both positions.
Winner: Ford. Reagan is too slight and wiry to handle the more athletic and tougher Ford. Before being taken down, however, Reagan teases Ford by asking him: “I won 97.6% of the electoral vote, how much did you win?”

3. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) JFK was athletic and vigorous, but he was prone to injury and illness.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Ignoring his vomiting on Japanese royalty, Bush was in pretty good health throughout his presidency.
Winner: Bush. Another huge upset by George the First. Kennedy has him on the ropes for a while, but his bad back acts up and Bush is able to defeat the young Catholic from Massachusetts.

7. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) Tough and stocky, but had problems with endurance.
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) Between April and August of 1968, Eisenhower had 4 heart attacks and 14 cardiac arrests.
Winner: Eisenhower. Harrison would tire out before he has a chance to bring Eisenhower down. Plus, the general is damned hard to kill.

The next round begins...

19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)

Second Round:
1. George Washington (1789-1797) Survived five bouts of malaria, three instances of dysentery, and two turns of tuberculosis and was known as the “Potomac Stallion.”
9. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) Was apparently drunk at his Vice-Presidential inauguration.
Winner: Washington. Johnson fights dirty, but (like many a disease) cannot bring down the Stallion.

5. James Madison (1809-1817) Still a tough little guy, but was afflicted with bad arthritis most of his adult life
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) The barrel-shaped man was a rugged officer who chewed tobacco endlessly.
Winner: Taylor. Madison can’t take on the large, stocky-framed Taylor for too long. He begins to have pains in his joints and Madison spits a perfectly aimed bit of tobacco into Madison’s eye. The brilliant leader collapses to the ground in pain and embarrassment.

3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) Shot twice in the chest and shoulder and survived.
6. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) Was reported to smoke up to 20 cigars a day while in battle.
Winner: Jackson. There is no overstating how tough Jackson was. This is the most violent confrontation of the tournament thus far, but Jackson’s steadfastness and near invulnerability see him through the fight. Grant is left to drink his lost victory away.

10. James K. Polk (1845-1849) A hard-working and diligent man, but was reported to have worked himself to death.
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Once had a tooth pulled without anesthesia. While not unheard of at the time, what was odd was that part of his jaw came off during the procedure.
Winner: Lincoln. Polk is too worn out after his upset victory over John Tyler to handle the lean and strong Lincoln.

Presidential Cage Match, pt. 2

The battle continues:

20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)

Play-in Game:
16. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) Lieutenant in the military and a peanut farmer.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) V.P. for Dwight Eisenhower toughened him up.
Winner: Nixon. Tricky Dick was able to get in and out of China and the Soviet Union without a scar, so he could easily take down the liberal, wussy peacenik Carter.

First Round:
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Clearly the front runner for the whole tournament. His work with the Rough Riders alone would get him the #1 seed.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) Trained with G. Gordon Liddy, who is one tough bastard.
Winner: Roosevelt. In between pummeling the sweating and muttering Nixon, Roosevelt lectures on the sanctity of the White House.

8. William McKinley (1897-1901) Was a short man, but tough. He entered into battle in the Civil War at age 17.
9. Harry Truman (1945-1953) Was trapped underneath a dead horse after it was shot during WWI battle.
Winner: McKinley. This one was a tough call. Both men were somewhat spastic and prone to accidental injuries, but McKinley is able to outlast Truman in the longest fight of the first round.

5. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) Lifeguard, actor, and face of the modern conservative. Reagan lived through an assassination and a movie with a monkey.
12. William Howard Taft (1909-1913) Secretary of War under Teddy Roosevelt, Taft was considered “light on his feet” even at his portly state.
Winner: Reagan. No matter how good a dancer Taft was supposed to be, he won’t last long with the slighter Reagan.

4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Tough, athletic guy who played college football at Michigan and could have played professionally for the Packers or Bears.
13. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) Silent Cal. All that pent-up emotion has to come out at some point.
Winner: Ford. Coolidge takes a few hits without wincing or moving; then he explodes in a fit of rage heretofore unseen from the stoic leader. All for naught, however, as Ford tackles him halfway through the match and Cal doesn’t get up off the mat.

3. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) Naval officer who survived the PT-109 attack.
14. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) Athlete in college and football coach at Princeton University.
Winner: Kennedy. A tough first round match-up between two athletic leaders, but Kennedy is able to defeat the former governor of New Jersey, who collapses like the League of Nations.

6. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) Lieutenant Commander in the military; was able to keep alive while everyone around him was being assassinated.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Fought in WWII at age 18, went skydiving at age 80.
Winner: Bush. Our first big upset of the first round, Bush’s athleticism and experience beats Johnson’s military background.

7. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) Brigadier General in the military; after his wife died, he married her 28 year old niece. That takes balls.
10. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) A living, breathing bad luck charm, the following happened during his presidency: Hitler came to power, Stock Market crash of 1929, Star Spangled Banner adopted as national anthem.
Winner: Harrison. The Quaker Hoover is no match for Harrison, whose great-grandfather was purported to be 6’4” and 400 pounds. Harrison had a similar build (though not as tall).

2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) 5 star General was a no-nonsense leader with a take no prisoners attitude
15. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) A great bullshitter could dodge and duck with the best of them.
Winner: Eisenhower. The meaty Clinton would be okay for a little while, but then Eisenhower would get cranky and just wallop him. Once again, Clinton can’t avoid the blows.

Didn’t make the tournament:
*Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) Was the first president to visit Alaska, but was also an insurance salesman, which I can’t respect
*Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) My favorite president in U.S. history had to be left out. Polio-stricken and wheelchair bound, it would be too cruel.
*George W. Bush (2001-) It’s better that I don’t put him in here, who knows what cruel and horrible things I could come up with for his defeat.

Presidential Cage Match

In thinking about which U.S. President would win in a fight among other presidents, I came up with a complex (but thrilling) tournament of presidential champions. I have broken the 42 presidents into two groups: 19th Century and 20th Century. Within these groups I have ranked the fighters from 1-17. Each group will have a play-in game between the 16th & 17th ranked fighters who will then go on to play the #1 seed. In order to get the seeding to work out correctly, a few presidents were left out of the tournament. An explanation for their absence is explained below. Here, for the first installment, is the First Round of the 19th Century Bracket. Enjoy!

19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)

Play-in Game:
16. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) Nicknamed "Elegant Arthur" because of his dandy dressing
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Former sheriff of Erie County, NY
Winner: Cleveland. The two (nonconsecutive) term president shows that he never gives up. He could easily handle the dandy Arthur.

First Round:
1. George Washington (1789-1797) Founding father and military leader
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Governor of NY 1883-1885
Winner: Washington. An easy victory for the man who couldn't tell a lie. Cleveland comes out a little sluggish after his bout with Arthur and Washington takes him down.

8. James Monroe (1817-1825) Lieutenant Colonel in the military and Secretary of War under James Madison.
9. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) First president to be impeached; had a bad temper.
Winner: Johnson. While Monroe would be tactically superior, Johnson's attitude and anger push him to the victory.

5. James Madison (1809-1817) Stood only 5'5" and weighed 100 pounds, but was a strong fighter.
12. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) During his term, fights broke out in Congress.
Winner: Madison. Pierce is bigger, but Madison is fast and thorough. Even if he can't knock Pierce out, Madison will quickly tire his opponent.

4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Considered a war hero after his actions in the Mexican-American War.
13. James Buchanan (1857-1861) Served in the military but with no official rank
Winner: Taylor. The man often called "Old Rough and Ready" due to his slovenly attire would easily whip Buchanan's ass.

3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) Military hero fought at the Battle of New Orleans and (at age 13) was captured by British troops.
14. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) Ran on the "Know-Nothing" ticket in 1856.
Winner: Jackson. Fillmore doesn't last more than a few minutes with Jackson. The guy took a sword to the face when he was a 13 year old captive. That's tough.

6. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) General in the Union army. Would have been ranked higher if it wasn't for the fact that he will be drunk during the entire tournament.
11. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) Was a Major General in the military.
Winner: Grant. Hayes couldn't defeat Grant even if he was on a bender. Grant wrote his memoirs while in the late stages of throat cancer, so he's one tough S.O.B.

7. John Tyler (1841-1845) Known as a political outlaw due to the fact that he had no real association with any particular party.
10. James K. Polk (1845-1849) Helped settle the Northwest boundary of the U.S.
Winner: Polk. In an upset, Polk taunts Tyler with a sarcastic, sing-song chorus of "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."

2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Tall drink of water was a great speaker and (I heard somewhere) a talented boxer.
15. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) Brilliant mind, but slow reflexes.
Winner: Lincoln. In the most anticipated matchup of the first round, Lincoln takes Jefferson down, but not before the two spend half an hour debating whether or not to shake hands.


Didn't make the tournament:
*John Adams (1797-1801) The 2nd President of the United States was 5'6" and 275 pounds. I doubt he could even make it to the ring.
*John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) Had a similar build as his father.
*Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) Like Chester Arthur, he was known as a dandy who loved expensive food and wine.
*William Henry Harrison (1841-1841) Only lasted one month after he got sick while giving his inaugural address.
*James A. Garfield (1881-1881) Assassinated a few months into office.

Stay tuned for the rest of the first round tomorrow!

Some questions

• Wouldn’t an alien civilization that was exactly like us, except that they act, dress, and talk like people did in the 1980s be the lamest thing ever?
• Do elderly celebrities wear Depends or other adult undergarments? If so, how do they cover up the crinkling sound when they walk around a movie set?
• How small was David Blaine’s “magic wand” after a week submerged in water?
• Was Jesus circumcised? If so, would his excess skin be able to forgive mankind’s sins?
• Are zoo animals from Africa confused by snow?
• Which former U.S. president would win in a fight? (More on this later)
• How old is too old for someone to be sexy?
• How young is too young?
• Have any animals become extinct over the past 100 years without us ever having known they existed in the first place?
• Were there ever such things as unicorns?
• Were there ever such things as dragons?
• Has anyone ever lost at Russian Roulette and been okay with it?
• If people had the ability to fly, would the FAA have to regulate it?
• If people could fly would cars every have been invented? Airplanes?
• If you do drugs in the privacy of your own home does anyone get hurt?
• What happens to marginally successful athletes, musicians, and actors after they can’t make money in their field anymore?
• Does everyone else assume that all dogs are male and all cats are female?
• Has anyone ever tried to mate a dog and a cat? What would such a union produce?

Poem

A Long Farewell

I watch you nearly ev'ry day
Spouting on about news and such
It has been years of mornings on Today
Giggling and acting like you don't know that much

But now that you're the new number one gal,
It's the end of rehearsed interviews with crappy bands
And long, awkward moments with Matt and Al
As you read from the folded paper in your hands

No more doctors spouting a new fad diet
No more elaborate cooking shows
No more pretending you like food when you try it
Or smiling fakely when it blows

These are your last few months on air
Your final moments to have some fun
'Cuz now you're going to have to care
About what the real world's done

So good luck, Katie, on your new job
Let's hope that CBS News is good for you
I know I'll be glad, not to be a snob,
To see Meredith Viera from The View

'Cuz when it comes to being a TV host
(And I'm sorry if this sounds mean)
You are one of the most
Annoying that I have ever seen

Words that aren't words but are really two or more words strung together

In doing research on my upcoming honeymoon, which will be a lovely cruise to Alaska, I came across a booklet of "shore excursions" that are offered by the cruise company. Among these excursions are "flightseeing" adventures. These are not your regular, run-of-the-mill sightseeing trips. Your trip includes transportation via plane and/or helicopter. See the brilliance of it? Sightseeing + flying = Flightseeing!
This whole thing got me thinking about words that are not real words but... well, you can get it from the title. While the word "flightseeing" is very annoying, there are others that I find wonderful:

craptastic
asstastic
fugly
beefalo
mockumentary
Japanimation
Sorostitute (that's a Sorority girl who looks and acts like a prostitute)
fucktard

There is, of course, the rash of celebrity couples that have been combined into odd and (sometimes annoying) names:

Brangelina
Bennifer
TomKat

In my search to find a long list of these hybrid words (also called portmanteau) I stumbled across these gems:

molestache (a guy with facial hair that makes him look like a child molester)
manscaping (which, presumably, a guy will do if he is a metrosexual)
threequel (a sequel to a sequel)

There are many, many more (as you can imagine). To check out a few lists of portmanteau words, click here.
Also, feel free to submit your favorites in the comments section below.

Outside

For the first time in a while, I was able to get out of the house this weekend and do something outside. The weather has been on and off in New York over the past few months, so opportunities for spending an afternoon walking around the city were few and far between. Mostly what seems to happen is the nicest day of the week is a Tuesday, when I cannot take advantage of the beautiful weather. Those days are wasted on me. This weekend, however, the nice weather and a day off coincided nicely.
LG and I met up with a couple of friends from work on Saturday afternoon (after I spent a few hours following the NFL Draft on my computer). We ventured over to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, which was celebrating its cherry blossom festival. The garden was crowded with people, but it was a fun day. The garden, which I had not been to before, was beautiful. I was one of probably 8 people who went to the BBG without a camera, but I did manage to snag these pictures off of the internet.






We stayed at the gardens for about 4 or 5 hours before walking home through a farmer's market that was set up nearby. On the whole it was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday. With the craziness of wedding and work that have been going on, it was a nice break. It also reinforces my love for living in Brooklyn.