Who doesn't love porn written by your friends??

Sorry that I haven't written anything in a while. I've been equal parts busy and not giving a shit about blogging. To make it up to you all, and in time for Halloween, I have posted a creepy sex story on Spec's Story Time. You might want to read this one at home.

Not so fast...

So you think that leg you lost when your Hummer crashed on a training run should earn you some sort of award or recognition? Better think again.
How about that Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome of yours? I wouldn't count on it.
It seems that there are certain criteria that one (or one's family if it be the case) must meet in order to be awarded the prestigious and injury-related Purple Heart.
As I was doing a little research for a short story I recently wrote, I came across this list of Do's and Don't's when it comes to receiving a Purple Heart. As you all know, the Purple Heart is an award given to soldiers injured (or killed) in the line of duty. What some of you, myself included, may not know is that there are certain circumstances under which the award can/will be given out. Below is a list I cut and pasted from AR 600-8-22, 25 February 1995 and Public Law 104-106, 10 February 1996.
First is a list of injuries that justify the award:

(4) Examples of enemy-related injuries which clearly justify award of the Purple Heart are as follows:
(a) Injury caused by enemy bullet, shrapnel, or other projectile created by enemy action.
(b) Injury caused by enemy placed mine or trap.
(c) Injury caused by enemy released chemical, biological, or nuclear agent.
(d) Injury caused by vehicle or aircraft accident resulting from enemy fire.
(e) Concussion injuries caused as a result of enemy generated explosions.

Next is a list of injuries that do not qualify for the award:

(5) Examples of injuries or wounds which clearly do not qualify for award of the Purple Heart are as follows:
(a) Frostbite or trench foot injuries.
(b) Heat stroke.
(c) Food poisoning not caused by enemy agents.
(d) Chemical, biological, or nuclear agents not released by the enemy.
(e) Battle fatigue.
(f) Disease not directly caused by enemy agents.
(g) Accidents, to include explosive, aircraft, vehicular, and other accidental wounding not related to or caused by enemy action.
(h) Self-inflicted wounds, except when in the heat of battle, and not involving gross negligence.
(i) Post traumatic stress disorders.
(j) Jump injuries not caused by enemy action.

Now, I know very little about military combat and the history of modern warfare (post 1900), but it seems to me that any injury, no matter when or where, that occurs to a soldier in the United States army, navy, marines, etc. should be "rewarded" with a Purple Heart. Of you are called into, or enroll in, combat service, I think that the United States then has an obligation to keep you safe, both in battle and out of it. In training drills or in the trenches, an injury is an injury. I think a key question would be: "If Mr/s. X were not in the military, would he/she have suffered this injury?" I am sure that most of the time the answer to this is No. Because of that, I think that all injuries incurred while in the role of a soldier (battle, training, traveling, etc.) should "clearly justify award" of the Purple Heart.
Hell, these people are risking life and limb, we should at least be able to slap a tiny little pin on their chests.

FYA

It's days like this that I want to take everything I have, throw it in a truck, and go someplace no one would find me. A place where, no matter how hard they try, my family couldn't even locate me. And I'd stay there until declared legally dead. Then I'd come back and say:

Fuck you all.

New

There's a new story at Spec's Story Time. Enjoy.

Dancing Hobbits

"Golly Samwise, who are these dorks?"

Well, it's about time. I had a feeling that we'd see this one way or another, and here it is: "Lord of the Rings" The Musical! Kick up those hairy feet and get into the rhythm of the Orcs. Check out this article for more information. At $25 million (or more) it is the most expensive show every created, topping even Disney's "Lion King" by five million dollars. For now, the only place to see the show will be Canada (who somehow bought exclusive "North America" rights to the show) but it should be along in the U.S. by 2008. I can't quite figure out how they will pack all of the story, action, adventure, and complexity of the trilogy into one 2 hour show. Plus I don't know what "musical" numbers they will be able to put in. Possibly something like this (think "West Side Story"):

When you're an elf
You're elf all the way
From your pointy ears
to the beasts that you slay

When your an elf,
If the orc hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're an eternal man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

You're never by yourself
With hobbits and men,
And memories on the shelf
Of how your life was spent.
When you're an elf,
You stay an elf!

Okay, it may not be exactly like that...but it's a start. It will be interesting to see the outcome of this project. Anyone venturing to Canada should check it out and report back. But act fast, they've already pre-sold $8.5 million worth of tickets.

Some subway stories

#1: If I can tell that you're an "outie" then your shirt's too tight.

A girl, wearing what can only be described as a tube sock, rode the subway with us last night. She was a classic example of a sorostitute, flirty and loud and entitled. I think she used the word "like" enough to double the lengths of her sentences. She seemed very out of place, surely she would have been more comfortable drunk on a college campus. Lucky for us, she left the train fairly quickly, taking her tightly encumbered bosom with her.

#2: What just fell on the floor? I don't know, but there it goes.

On this same train, I was sitting directly next to an austere, flinchy woman with shoulder-length dark hair. She was carrying a large purse/handbag which she was rifling through as soon as she sat down on the train. Shortly after reaching into her bag, she twitched beside me and shook her hand out in front of her. As I watched this odd behavior, I saw a brownish-black something fall to the floor. As soon as it landed it ran quickly toward the opposite side of the train car. It was a lovely little roach. I am not sure exactly what happened, but the best I can figure, the woman reached into her bag, the roach (already in her bag) crawled onto her hand, and she flicked the unwanted miscreant off of her hand. There could be another soution to the situation, but I doubt it. It creeped me out, mostly because I felt trapped next to this woman and didn't know if more roaches would come scurrying out of her handbag. When she got off a few stops later I was much relieved. I never did see where the roach ended up.

#3 Slowing down and coasting into the station

Yet again on this same train (what an eventful car we were on!) we hit a little bit of a snag. We had been on the subway for about half an hour when I looked out the window and saw a bright flash of blue and white light. Clearly something electrical had blown. Almost immediately thereafter, the train started to slow down. At the time of the flash we were in the middle of nowhere, in a dark abyss between stops that is filled with dim emergency lights, trash, and rats (and probably cockroaches if the last story is any indication). Hoping to hell that we wouldn't break down in the middle of this photophobia's utopia, we sat and waited as the train crept slowly into the next station. We were sitting in a car that was in the middle of the train and, as we saw the dirtied walls of the Atlantic-Pacific stop, the train came to a lurching halt. We were the second to last car to make it out of the darkness. By this time all of the lights had gone out and dull emergency lights (similar to those in the tunnel) had come on. The conductor announced over the PA system (which must have been running on a back up electrical source) that the train had lost power. That mean that the doors couldn't be opened, at least not by passengers on the inside. We waited a few minutes before they announced that we had to move up the train and exit at the one door they had managed to open. We escaped from the train rather easily and were lucky that the stop was only one away from our original destination. We walked home from Atlantic-Pacific, only about a ten minute walk, leaving a bunch of people stranded on the subway platform with no way to get home. You had to feel sorry for them and, at the same time, be glad that it wasn't you.

#4 Shove that Bible up your ass
Last story. This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to the wonderfully crude and hilarious Distorted View podcast, which mostly points out ridiculous (and often sexual) news stories. While listening to this heathen debauchery I was sitting next to, across from, and nearby three different people who were reading the Bible. I felt deliciously deviant, and wondered how these three people would react if they heard what I was hearing. Soon after I thought this, I had an insight into what their reaction would be. The host of the show had just read a story about two Mormon families who had rented the movie "Sons of Provo," which is a family film about a religious boy-band, instead were given a copy of the movie "Adored: Diary of a Porn Star." This latter movie was described by the host as the story of "a gay porn star that reconnects with his family...anally." After describing the movie, the podcast then cut to an audio clip of a gay porn in which the main "character" is fisted. For those of you who don't know what that means, just think about it for a minute: where would you put a fist inside a man?? At any rate, the audio clip was incredibly loud and vulgar. The Bible-reading woman next to me looked at me out of the corner of her eye as the man in the video screamed out "Oh my God! Easy! Easy! Ohhhh. Let me just sit on it." I am not sure if she heard the words, but I hope she did. I couldn't imagine what she thought of me, but I predict that I'm gettin' a prayer tonight!

I'm now inspired to stop throwing my feces at people during work

This lovely story out of China is a real heart-warmer.

BEIJING (Reuters) - A chimpanzee in a northwest China zoo has quit smoking after 16 years with the help of her keepers, official media reported.

The staff, worried about her declining health, weaned 27-year-old "Ai Ai" off tobacco by distracting her with entertainment and a tastier diet, Xinhua news agency said.

"The zoo keepers tried every way to divert the chimp's attention from cigarettes: a walk after breakfast, a music session after lunch and gym after dinner," Xinhua said.

She also got fried dishes and dumplings, as well as the usual diet of milk, bananas and rice, said one zoo keeper.

"I also put earphones on her so that she could enjoy some pop music from my walkman," he said.

"In the first few days, she squealed for cigarettes every now and then, but as her life became more colorful she gradually forgot about them altogether."

Xinhua attributed Ai Ai's habit to solitude and grief.

Living in a safari park in Shaanxi province, she had taken up smoking in 1989 shortly after her mate died, it said. Then she had become a chain smoker after her second mate died in 1997 and her daughter was moved to another zoo.

Xinhua did not say who had first given cigarettes to her or kept supplying them.

The Xian Evening News said the zoo was trying to find another mate for her.


I remember in high school giving an older kid, who I worked with at the Pennington Quality Market, 5 bucks to go buy me a pack of Camels. It was an easy transaction. He said he was heading down the street (to a mini-mart that never checked IDs) to pick up a pack of cigarettes and he wanted me to cover him on the register. I agreed, as long as he'd buy me a pack. I think I was about 15. I imagine the conversation between Ai Ai and her "dealer" was a little more complex. I wonder what brand she liked best?

Experimentation

I've decided to start writing a screenplay. I've never written one before and, frankly, have no real clue how to go about writing one. I've written plays before, which turned out to be okay, but I imagine this is a whole new beast. I've looked into taking a screenwriting class but it'll cost me about $400, which is just too much. Maybe instead I'll go to Barnes & Noble and buy "Screenwriting for Dummies" or some such thing. In my mind, buying that book (having to take it up to the counter specifically) would be quite embarrasing, probably on par with purchasing a large tube of hemmorhoid cream. I could always just order it from Amazon and remain anonymous. Yeah, that's probably what I'll do.
After that, all I'll have to do is write the damn thing. But first I have to come up with an idea. Maybe I'll write about a baby elephant lost in the big city. Or about a crack addict who tries to kill the president. Or a crack baby who gets killed by an elephant that's loose in the big city. If anyone has any suggestions (and doesn't mind me completely ripping them off) please suggest them here. As payment, I will be sure to thank you by name when I win an Oscar (or Golden Globe, I'm not greedy). Thanks in advance.