Some subway stories
#1: If I can tell that you're an "outie" then your shirt's too tight.
A girl, wearing what can only be described as a tube sock, rode the subway with us last night. She was a classic example of a sorostitute, flirty and loud and entitled. I think she used the word "like" enough to double the lengths of her sentences. She seemed very out of place, surely she would have been more comfortable drunk on a college campus. Lucky for us, she left the train fairly quickly, taking her tightly encumbered bosom with her.
#2: What just fell on the floor? I don't know, but there it goes.
On this same train, I was sitting directly next to an austere, flinchy woman with shoulder-length dark hair. She was carrying a large purse/handbag which she was rifling through as soon as she sat down on the train. Shortly after reaching into her bag, she twitched beside me and shook her hand out in front of her. As I watched this odd behavior, I saw a brownish-black something fall to the floor. As soon as it landed it ran quickly toward the opposite side of the train car. It was a lovely little roach. I am not sure exactly what happened, but the best I can figure, the woman reached into her bag, the roach (already in her bag) crawled onto her hand, and she flicked the unwanted miscreant off of her hand. There could be another soution to the situation, but I doubt it. It creeped me out, mostly because I felt trapped next to this woman and didn't know if more roaches would come scurrying out of her handbag. When she got off a few stops later I was much relieved. I never did see where the roach ended up.
#3 Slowing down and coasting into the station
Yet again on this same train (what an eventful car we were on!) we hit a little bit of a snag. We had been on the subway for about half an hour when I looked out the window and saw a bright flash of blue and white light. Clearly something electrical had blown. Almost immediately thereafter, the train started to slow down. At the time of the flash we were in the middle of nowhere, in a dark abyss between stops that is filled with dim emergency lights, trash, and rats (and probably cockroaches if the last story is any indication). Hoping to hell that we wouldn't break down in the middle of this photophobia's utopia, we sat and waited as the train crept slowly into the next station. We were sitting in a car that was in the middle of the train and, as we saw the dirtied walls of the Atlantic-Pacific stop, the train came to a lurching halt. We were the second to last car to make it out of the darkness. By this time all of the lights had gone out and dull emergency lights (similar to those in the tunnel) had come on. The conductor announced over the PA system (which must have been running on a back up electrical source) that the train had lost power. That mean that the doors couldn't be opened, at least not by passengers on the inside. We waited a few minutes before they announced that we had to move up the train and exit at the one door they had managed to open. We escaped from the train rather easily and were lucky that the stop was only one away from our original destination. We walked home from Atlantic-Pacific, only about a ten minute walk, leaving a bunch of people stranded on the subway platform with no way to get home. You had to feel sorry for them and, at the same time, be glad that it wasn't you.
#4 Shove that Bible up your ass
Last story. This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to the wonderfully crude and hilarious Distorted View podcast, which mostly points out ridiculous (and often sexual) news stories. While listening to this heathen debauchery I was sitting next to, across from, and nearby three different people who were reading the Bible. I felt deliciously deviant, and wondered how these three people would react if they heard what I was hearing. Soon after I thought this, I had an insight into what their reaction would be. The host of the show had just read a story about two Mormon families who had rented the movie "Sons of Provo," which is a family film about a religious boy-band, instead were given a copy of the movie "Adored: Diary of a Porn Star." This latter movie was described by the host as the story of "a gay porn star that reconnects with his family...anally." After describing the movie, the podcast then cut to an audio clip of a gay porn in which the main "character" is fisted. For those of you who don't know what that means, just think about it for a minute: where would you put a fist inside a man?? At any rate, the audio clip was incredibly loud and vulgar. The Bible-reading woman next to me looked at me out of the corner of her eye as the man in the video screamed out "Oh my God! Easy! Easy! Ohhhh. Let me just sit on it." I am not sure if she heard the words, but I hope she did. I couldn't imagine what she thought of me, but I predict that I'm gettin' a prayer tonight!
A girl, wearing what can only be described as a tube sock, rode the subway with us last night. She was a classic example of a sorostitute, flirty and loud and entitled. I think she used the word "like" enough to double the lengths of her sentences. She seemed very out of place, surely she would have been more comfortable drunk on a college campus. Lucky for us, she left the train fairly quickly, taking her tightly encumbered bosom with her.
#2: What just fell on the floor? I don't know, but there it goes.
On this same train, I was sitting directly next to an austere, flinchy woman with shoulder-length dark hair. She was carrying a large purse/handbag which she was rifling through as soon as she sat down on the train. Shortly after reaching into her bag, she twitched beside me and shook her hand out in front of her. As I watched this odd behavior, I saw a brownish-black something fall to the floor. As soon as it landed it ran quickly toward the opposite side of the train car. It was a lovely little roach. I am not sure exactly what happened, but the best I can figure, the woman reached into her bag, the roach (already in her bag) crawled onto her hand, and she flicked the unwanted miscreant off of her hand. There could be another soution to the situation, but I doubt it. It creeped me out, mostly because I felt trapped next to this woman and didn't know if more roaches would come scurrying out of her handbag. When she got off a few stops later I was much relieved. I never did see where the roach ended up.
#3 Slowing down and coasting into the station
Yet again on this same train (what an eventful car we were on!) we hit a little bit of a snag. We had been on the subway for about half an hour when I looked out the window and saw a bright flash of blue and white light. Clearly something electrical had blown. Almost immediately thereafter, the train started to slow down. At the time of the flash we were in the middle of nowhere, in a dark abyss between stops that is filled with dim emergency lights, trash, and rats (and probably cockroaches if the last story is any indication). Hoping to hell that we wouldn't break down in the middle of this photophobia's utopia, we sat and waited as the train crept slowly into the next station. We were sitting in a car that was in the middle of the train and, as we saw the dirtied walls of the Atlantic-Pacific stop, the train came to a lurching halt. We were the second to last car to make it out of the darkness. By this time all of the lights had gone out and dull emergency lights (similar to those in the tunnel) had come on. The conductor announced over the PA system (which must have been running on a back up electrical source) that the train had lost power. That mean that the doors couldn't be opened, at least not by passengers on the inside. We waited a few minutes before they announced that we had to move up the train and exit at the one door they had managed to open. We escaped from the train rather easily and were lucky that the stop was only one away from our original destination. We walked home from Atlantic-Pacific, only about a ten minute walk, leaving a bunch of people stranded on the subway platform with no way to get home. You had to feel sorry for them and, at the same time, be glad that it wasn't you.
#4 Shove that Bible up your ass
Last story. This morning, on my way to work, I was listening to the wonderfully crude and hilarious Distorted View podcast, which mostly points out ridiculous (and often sexual) news stories. While listening to this heathen debauchery I was sitting next to, across from, and nearby three different people who were reading the Bible. I felt deliciously deviant, and wondered how these three people would react if they heard what I was hearing. Soon after I thought this, I had an insight into what their reaction would be. The host of the show had just read a story about two Mormon families who had rented the movie "Sons of Provo," which is a family film about a religious boy-band, instead were given a copy of the movie "Adored: Diary of a Porn Star." This latter movie was described by the host as the story of "a gay porn star that reconnects with his family...anally." After describing the movie, the podcast then cut to an audio clip of a gay porn in which the main "character" is fisted. For those of you who don't know what that means, just think about it for a minute: where would you put a fist inside a man?? At any rate, the audio clip was incredibly loud and vulgar. The Bible-reading woman next to me looked at me out of the corner of her eye as the man in the video screamed out "Oh my God! Easy! Easy! Ohhhh. Let me just sit on it." I am not sure if she heard the words, but I hope she did. I couldn't imagine what she thought of me, but I predict that I'm gettin' a prayer tonight!
posted by Spec at 8:46 AM
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