Presidential Cage Match
In thinking about which U.S. President would win in a fight among other presidents, I came up with a complex (but thrilling) tournament of presidential champions. I have broken the 42 presidents into two groups: 19th Century and 20th Century. Within these groups I have ranked the fighters from 1-17. Each group will have a play-in game between the 16th & 17th ranked fighters who will then go on to play the #1 seed. In order to get the seeding to work out correctly, a few presidents were left out of the tournament. An explanation for their absence is explained below. Here, for the first installment, is the First Round of the 19th Century Bracket. Enjoy!
19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)
Play-in Game:
16. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) Nicknamed "Elegant Arthur" because of his dandy dressing
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Former sheriff of Erie County, NY
Winner: Cleveland. The two (nonconsecutive) term president shows that he never gives up. He could easily handle the dandy Arthur.
First Round:
1. George Washington (1789-1797) Founding father and military leader
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Governor of NY 1883-1885
Winner: Washington. An easy victory for the man who couldn't tell a lie. Cleveland comes out a little sluggish after his bout with Arthur and Washington takes him down.
8. James Monroe (1817-1825) Lieutenant Colonel in the military and Secretary of War under James Madison.
9. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) First president to be impeached; had a bad temper.
Winner: Johnson. While Monroe would be tactically superior, Johnson's attitude and anger push him to the victory.
5. James Madison (1809-1817) Stood only 5'5" and weighed 100 pounds, but was a strong fighter.
12. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) During his term, fights broke out in Congress.
Winner: Madison. Pierce is bigger, but Madison is fast and thorough. Even if he can't knock Pierce out, Madison will quickly tire his opponent.
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Considered a war hero after his actions in the Mexican-American War.
13. James Buchanan (1857-1861) Served in the military but with no official rank
Winner: Taylor. The man often called "Old Rough and Ready" due to his slovenly attire would easily whip Buchanan's ass.
3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) Military hero fought at the Battle of New Orleans and (at age 13) was captured by British troops.
14. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) Ran on the "Know-Nothing" ticket in 1856.
Winner: Jackson. Fillmore doesn't last more than a few minutes with Jackson. The guy took a sword to the face when he was a 13 year old captive. That's tough.
6. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) General in the Union army. Would have been ranked higher if it wasn't for the fact that he will be drunk during the entire tournament.
11. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) Was a Major General in the military.
Winner: Grant. Hayes couldn't defeat Grant even if he was on a bender. Grant wrote his memoirs while in the late stages of throat cancer, so he's one tough S.O.B.
7. John Tyler (1841-1845) Known as a political outlaw due to the fact that he had no real association with any particular party.
10. James K. Polk (1845-1849) Helped settle the Northwest boundary of the U.S.
Winner: Polk. In an upset, Polk taunts Tyler with a sarcastic, sing-song chorus of "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Tall drink of water was a great speaker and (I heard somewhere) a talented boxer.
15. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) Brilliant mind, but slow reflexes.
Winner: Lincoln. In the most anticipated matchup of the first round, Lincoln takes Jefferson down, but not before the two spend half an hour debating whether or not to shake hands.
Didn't make the tournament:
*John Adams (1797-1801) The 2nd President of the United States was 5'6" and 275 pounds. I doubt he could even make it to the ring.
*John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) Had a similar build as his father.
*Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) Like Chester Arthur, he was known as a dandy who loved expensive food and wine.
*William Henry Harrison (1841-1841) Only lasted one month after he got sick while giving his inaugural address.
*James A. Garfield (1881-1881) Assassinated a few months into office.
Stay tuned for the rest of the first round tomorrow!
19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)
Play-in Game:
16. Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885) Nicknamed "Elegant Arthur" because of his dandy dressing
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Former sheriff of Erie County, NY
Winner: Cleveland. The two (nonconsecutive) term president shows that he never gives up. He could easily handle the dandy Arthur.
First Round:
1. George Washington (1789-1797) Founding father and military leader
17. Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897) Governor of NY 1883-1885
Winner: Washington. An easy victory for the man who couldn't tell a lie. Cleveland comes out a little sluggish after his bout with Arthur and Washington takes him down.
8. James Monroe (1817-1825) Lieutenant Colonel in the military and Secretary of War under James Madison.
9. Andrew Johnson (1865-1869) First president to be impeached; had a bad temper.
Winner: Johnson. While Monroe would be tactically superior, Johnson's attitude and anger push him to the victory.
5. James Madison (1809-1817) Stood only 5'5" and weighed 100 pounds, but was a strong fighter.
12. Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) During his term, fights broke out in Congress.
Winner: Madison. Pierce is bigger, but Madison is fast and thorough. Even if he can't knock Pierce out, Madison will quickly tire his opponent.
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Considered a war hero after his actions in the Mexican-American War.
13. James Buchanan (1857-1861) Served in the military but with no official rank
Winner: Taylor. The man often called "Old Rough and Ready" due to his slovenly attire would easily whip Buchanan's ass.
3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) Military hero fought at the Battle of New Orleans and (at age 13) was captured by British troops.
14. Millard Fillmore (1850-1853) Ran on the "Know-Nothing" ticket in 1856.
Winner: Jackson. Fillmore doesn't last more than a few minutes with Jackson. The guy took a sword to the face when he was a 13 year old captive. That's tough.
6. Ulysses S. Grant (1869-1877) General in the Union army. Would have been ranked higher if it wasn't for the fact that he will be drunk during the entire tournament.
11. Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) Was a Major General in the military.
Winner: Grant. Hayes couldn't defeat Grant even if he was on a bender. Grant wrote his memoirs while in the late stages of throat cancer, so he's one tough S.O.B.
7. John Tyler (1841-1845) Known as a political outlaw due to the fact that he had no real association with any particular party.
10. James K. Polk (1845-1849) Helped settle the Northwest boundary of the U.S.
Winner: Polk. In an upset, Polk taunts Tyler with a sarcastic, sing-song chorus of "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too."
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Tall drink of water was a great speaker and (I heard somewhere) a talented boxer.
15. Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) Brilliant mind, but slow reflexes.
Winner: Lincoln. In the most anticipated matchup of the first round, Lincoln takes Jefferson down, but not before the two spend half an hour debating whether or not to shake hands.
Didn't make the tournament:
*John Adams (1797-1801) The 2nd President of the United States was 5'6" and 275 pounds. I doubt he could even make it to the ring.
*John Quincy Adams (1825-1829) Had a similar build as his father.
*Martin Van Buren (1837-1841) Like Chester Arthur, he was known as a dandy who loved expensive food and wine.
*William Henry Harrison (1841-1841) Only lasted one month after he got sick while giving his inaugural address.
*James A. Garfield (1881-1881) Assassinated a few months into office.
Stay tuned for the rest of the first round tomorrow!
posted by Spec at 12:11 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Simply BRILLIANT!
I don't disagree with your choices.
I still think A. Jackson will make it to AT LEAST the Final 4.
I await more.
That Jackson-Grant bout should be a doozy! Whoever survives that fight has to face Lincoln, yes? It could come down to Honest Abe and Washington.
I'm looking forward to the latter-day bracket, but Teddy Roosevelt has to be an early favorite.
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