Presidential Cage Match, pt. 2
The battle continues:
20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)
Play-in Game:
16. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) Lieutenant in the military and a peanut farmer.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) V.P. for Dwight Eisenhower toughened him up.
Winner: Nixon. Tricky Dick was able to get in and out of China and the Soviet Union without a scar, so he could easily take down the liberal, wussy peacenik Carter.
First Round:
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Clearly the front runner for the whole tournament. His work with the Rough Riders alone would get him the #1 seed.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) Trained with G. Gordon Liddy, who is one tough bastard.
Winner: Roosevelt. In between pummeling the sweating and muttering Nixon, Roosevelt lectures on the sanctity of the White House.
8. William McKinley (1897-1901) Was a short man, but tough. He entered into battle in the Civil War at age 17.
9. Harry Truman (1945-1953) Was trapped underneath a dead horse after it was shot during WWI battle.
Winner: McKinley. This one was a tough call. Both men were somewhat spastic and prone to accidental injuries, but McKinley is able to outlast Truman in the longest fight of the first round.
5. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) Lifeguard, actor, and face of the modern conservative. Reagan lived through an assassination and a movie with a monkey.
12. William Howard Taft (1909-1913) Secretary of War under Teddy Roosevelt, Taft was considered “light on his feet” even at his portly state.
Winner: Reagan. No matter how good a dancer Taft was supposed to be, he won’t last long with the slighter Reagan.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Tough, athletic guy who played college football at Michigan and could have played professionally for the Packers or Bears.
13. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) Silent Cal. All that pent-up emotion has to come out at some point.
Winner: Ford. Coolidge takes a few hits without wincing or moving; then he explodes in a fit of rage heretofore unseen from the stoic leader. All for naught, however, as Ford tackles him halfway through the match and Cal doesn’t get up off the mat.
3. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) Naval officer who survived the PT-109 attack.
14. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) Athlete in college and football coach at Princeton University.
Winner: Kennedy. A tough first round match-up between two athletic leaders, but Kennedy is able to defeat the former governor of New Jersey, who collapses like the League of Nations.
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) Lieutenant Commander in the military; was able to keep alive while everyone around him was being assassinated.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Fought in WWII at age 18, went skydiving at age 80.
Winner: Bush. Our first big upset of the first round, Bush’s athleticism and experience beats Johnson’s military background.
7. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) Brigadier General in the military; after his wife died, he married her 28 year old niece. That takes balls.
10. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) A living, breathing bad luck charm, the following happened during his presidency: Hitler came to power, Stock Market crash of 1929, Star Spangled Banner adopted as national anthem.
Winner: Harrison. The Quaker Hoover is no match for Harrison, whose great-grandfather was purported to be 6’4” and 400 pounds. Harrison had a similar build (though not as tall).
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) 5 star General was a no-nonsense leader with a take no prisoners attitude
15. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) A great bullshitter could dodge and duck with the best of them.
Winner: Eisenhower. The meaty Clinton would be okay for a little while, but then Eisenhower would get cranky and just wallop him. Once again, Clinton can’t avoid the blows.
Didn’t make the tournament:
*Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) Was the first president to visit Alaska, but was also an insurance salesman, which I can’t respect
*Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) My favorite president in U.S. history had to be left out. Polio-stricken and wheelchair bound, it would be too cruel.
*George W. Bush (2001-) It’s better that I don’t put him in here, who knows what cruel and horrible things I could come up with for his defeat.
20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)
Play-in Game:
16. Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) Lieutenant in the military and a peanut farmer.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) V.P. for Dwight Eisenhower toughened him up.
Winner: Nixon. Tricky Dick was able to get in and out of China and the Soviet Union without a scar, so he could easily take down the liberal, wussy peacenik Carter.
First Round:
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Clearly the front runner for the whole tournament. His work with the Rough Riders alone would get him the #1 seed.
17. Richard Nixon (1969-1974) Trained with G. Gordon Liddy, who is one tough bastard.
Winner: Roosevelt. In between pummeling the sweating and muttering Nixon, Roosevelt lectures on the sanctity of the White House.
8. William McKinley (1897-1901) Was a short man, but tough. He entered into battle in the Civil War at age 17.
9. Harry Truman (1945-1953) Was trapped underneath a dead horse after it was shot during WWI battle.
Winner: McKinley. This one was a tough call. Both men were somewhat spastic and prone to accidental injuries, but McKinley is able to outlast Truman in the longest fight of the first round.
5. Ronald Reagan (1981-1989) Lifeguard, actor, and face of the modern conservative. Reagan lived through an assassination and a movie with a monkey.
12. William Howard Taft (1909-1913) Secretary of War under Teddy Roosevelt, Taft was considered “light on his feet” even at his portly state.
Winner: Reagan. No matter how good a dancer Taft was supposed to be, he won’t last long with the slighter Reagan.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Tough, athletic guy who played college football at Michigan and could have played professionally for the Packers or Bears.
13. Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) Silent Cal. All that pent-up emotion has to come out at some point.
Winner: Ford. Coolidge takes a few hits without wincing or moving; then he explodes in a fit of rage heretofore unseen from the stoic leader. All for naught, however, as Ford tackles him halfway through the match and Cal doesn’t get up off the mat.
3. John F. Kennedy (1961-1963) Naval officer who survived the PT-109 attack.
14. Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921) Athlete in college and football coach at Princeton University.
Winner: Kennedy. A tough first round match-up between two athletic leaders, but Kennedy is able to defeat the former governor of New Jersey, who collapses like the League of Nations.
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (1963-1969) Lieutenant Commander in the military; was able to keep alive while everyone around him was being assassinated.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Fought in WWII at age 18, went skydiving at age 80.
Winner: Bush. Our first big upset of the first round, Bush’s athleticism and experience beats Johnson’s military background.
7. Benjamin Harrison (1889-1893) Brigadier General in the military; after his wife died, he married her 28 year old niece. That takes balls.
10. Herbert Hoover (1929-1933) A living, breathing bad luck charm, the following happened during his presidency: Hitler came to power, Stock Market crash of 1929, Star Spangled Banner adopted as national anthem.
Winner: Harrison. The Quaker Hoover is no match for Harrison, whose great-grandfather was purported to be 6’4” and 400 pounds. Harrison had a similar build (though not as tall).
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) 5 star General was a no-nonsense leader with a take no prisoners attitude
15. Bill Clinton (1993-2001) A great bullshitter could dodge and duck with the best of them.
Winner: Eisenhower. The meaty Clinton would be okay for a little while, but then Eisenhower would get cranky and just wallop him. Once again, Clinton can’t avoid the blows.
Didn’t make the tournament:
*Warren G. Harding (1921-1923) Was the first president to visit Alaska, but was also an insurance salesman, which I can’t respect
*Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945) My favorite president in U.S. history had to be left out. Polio-stricken and wheelchair bound, it would be too cruel.
*George W. Bush (2001-) It’s better that I don’t put him in here, who knows what cruel and horrible things I could come up with for his defeat.
posted by Spec at 4:54 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I am such a pushover, as I find no real fault with the reasoning you have provided on this set of matchups either.
And anyway, "Clinton can't avoid the blows" is worth two weeks worth of disagreement. I laughted for maybe ten minutes. It almost felt like we were sitting at the 4Square again.
Thanks Burb. I'm glad I could bring some inappropriateness to your day. I'll have Round 2 for you (and everyone else) on Monday.
This is very, very good, Spec. I'm glad that you are, apparently, able to sustain an apt. in Expensia AND maintain relations with a woman without a job.
I was disappointed that you left W. out of the fray. I was so looking forward to him getting his ass kicked. Perhaps a distraught Carter could go shitballs after losing to Dick Nixon and cleave him with one of his Habitat hammers? I write this even while surrounded by pictures of adorable children.
Are you crazy? LBJ would whip Bush the Elder with one hand while manipulating Congress with the other. No contest. I'm looking forward to round two when the wholesome Michigander Jerry Ford makes mincemeat out of Reagan. No, I'm not angry.
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