The Quarterfinals
19th Century Bracket (1789-1889)
1. George Washington (1789-1797) 6 feet 4 inches tall, with a nearly two foot wingspan. Probably played center in the Revolutionary War rec basketball league.
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Typhoid, cholera, dysentery, and poison are some of the things that people have claimed killed Taylor while in office.
Winner: Washington. The two sickest men in the tournament square off for a tough battle between the solid and stoic Washington and the fierce and angry Taylor. After falling behind early on, Washington is able to find the inner strength that led him through battles in New York and Princeton. Taylor tries his best to scowl his enemy into submission, but to no avail.
3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) During a duel against a man regarded as the fastest and most accurate shot in the country, Jackson took a bullet to the chest. He staggered backwards, steadied himself, and raised his pistol. Just before he fired, his opponent called out “My God! Have I missed him?”
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Had to have his shoes custom made because no one carried size 14.
Winner: Jackson. Poor Abe Lincoln. The man is so honest and kind, but he cannot handle the ferocity that is Andrew Jackson. Jackson comes after Lincoln like a psychotic whirlwind. For a #2 vs. #3 seed matchup, it isn’t even close.
20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Once rode 98 miles on horseback in a single day. As president. From the White House to Virginia and back again. And made it back in time for a late supper.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Though an undoubtedly gifted athlete, was known as somewhat clumsy.
Winner: Roosevelt. The ultimate match-up of “good ol’ boys” leads to a rough and dirty fight. Ford is able to take Roosevelt’s feet out from under him, but is not quite strong enough to finish the job. Roosevelt sees his opportunity while lying on the ground and rises up with a heavy grunt, swinging out towards Ford and sending him crashing down.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Was shot down twice during his World War II service as a Naval Aviator.
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) In 1949, Ike went from smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day to none, quitting cold turkey.
Winner: Bush. The most unexpected, unpredictable outcome. George H.W. Bush slugs through a tough, brutal fight with the 5-Star General and comes out victorious. How could this happen? Eisenhower got a little cocky after two rounds of relatively easy matches. He comes out a little slow and Bush takes advantage. By the time Eisenhower realizes that this is no pudgy Clinton or winded Harrison, it’s too late: Bush claims another victim on his Cinderella ride.
1. George Washington (1789-1797) 6 feet 4 inches tall, with a nearly two foot wingspan. Probably played center in the Revolutionary War rec basketball league.
4. Zachary Taylor (1849-1850) Typhoid, cholera, dysentery, and poison are some of the things that people have claimed killed Taylor while in office.
Winner: Washington. The two sickest men in the tournament square off for a tough battle between the solid and stoic Washington and the fierce and angry Taylor. After falling behind early on, Washington is able to find the inner strength that led him through battles in New York and Princeton. Taylor tries his best to scowl his enemy into submission, but to no avail.
3. Andrew Jackson (1829-1837) During a duel against a man regarded as the fastest and most accurate shot in the country, Jackson took a bullet to the chest. He staggered backwards, steadied himself, and raised his pistol. Just before he fired, his opponent called out “My God! Have I missed him?”
2. Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865) Had to have his shoes custom made because no one carried size 14.
Winner: Jackson. Poor Abe Lincoln. The man is so honest and kind, but he cannot handle the ferocity that is Andrew Jackson. Jackson comes after Lincoln like a psychotic whirlwind. For a #2 vs. #3 seed matchup, it isn’t even close.
20th Century Bracket (1890-2006)
1. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Once rode 98 miles on horseback in a single day. As president. From the White House to Virginia and back again. And made it back in time for a late supper.
4. Gerald Ford (1974-1977) Though an undoubtedly gifted athlete, was known as somewhat clumsy.
Winner: Roosevelt. The ultimate match-up of “good ol’ boys” leads to a rough and dirty fight. Ford is able to take Roosevelt’s feet out from under him, but is not quite strong enough to finish the job. Roosevelt sees his opportunity while lying on the ground and rises up with a heavy grunt, swinging out towards Ford and sending him crashing down.
11. George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Was shot down twice during his World War II service as a Naval Aviator.
2. Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961) In 1949, Ike went from smoking 4 packs of cigarettes a day to none, quitting cold turkey.
Winner: Bush. The most unexpected, unpredictable outcome. George H.W. Bush slugs through a tough, brutal fight with the 5-Star General and comes out victorious. How could this happen? Eisenhower got a little cocky after two rounds of relatively easy matches. He comes out a little slow and Bush takes advantage. By the time Eisenhower realizes that this is no pudgy Clinton or winded Harrison, it’s too late: Bush claims another victim on his Cinderella ride.
posted by Spec at 4:21 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
My negative capability is being severely tested (or is it your credibility) by the travesty of Bush the elder even lasting 3 rounds with Ike. No way.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
(I made a historical error, which I am now correcting.)
The irony of a man like GWH Bush being a "cinderella" isn't lost on me. But it's worth his unlikely and (probably) illogical survival just to see TR play with him like rag doll before crushing his spirit. Ole 41 will be wishing Dukakis would ride up in that ridiculous tank before that death match is finished.
As for the other bracket . . . well, I for one don't care where GW slept. He'll be sleeping with the fishes when my man Andrew Jackson gets up in his grill(piece).
I can see it it now. He's already bested the man that held a disintegrating nation together. Next he knocks Washington's wooden dentures right out of his skull (all the while taunting him by claiming his real nickname isn't Old Hickory, but rather Cherry Tree and wondering where George's axe is). Then he'll beat TR in the most exciting and close fight of the entire tournament.
The man will defeat three-fourths of Mount Rushmore people! He'll probably then go stand at the Jefferson Memorial to take a leak in the Tidal Basin for good measure.
Old Hickory . . . Now and Forever!!!
I know that some of the results are shocking, but what can I say. I could hardly believe it myself. Sorry if the results were unexpected, but I just report the news. :-)
Great site loved it alot, will come back and visit again.
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