Sad state of things

Life = Busy

Work = Making me cranky

Blog = Forgotten

New Novel = Collecting dust (inside my computer)

Will to do anything except play video games and/or drink heavily = Missing

Tonight's dinner = Saltines & Grand Marnier

Queen Bitch

While trying to find a quote for a lesson on imperialism, I came across a few gems by Queen Victoria of England. I never really knew much about her, but these few snippets made me realize what a nasty bulldog of a woman she was.

"The important thing is not what they think of me, but what I think of them."
"Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife."
"I don't dislike babies, though I think very young ones rather disgusting."
"An ugly baby is a very nasty object - and the prettiest is frightful."

And in letters to her pregnant 17 year old daughter (Vicky) she wrote:

"What you say of the pride of giving life to an immortal soul us very fine, dear, but I own I cannot enter into that; I think much more of our being like a cow or a dog at such moments."

"I never cared for you near as much as you seem to about the baby; I care much more for the younger ones (poor Leopold perhaps excepted)..."

And about her own son, Leopold:

"Leopold...is the ugliest." [8] "I think he is uglier than he ever was." [9] "I hope, dear, he [Vicky's young son] won't be like [Leopold] the ugliest and least pleasing of the whole family." [10] "He [Leopold] walks shockingly--and is dreadfully awkward--holds himself as badly as ever and his manners are despairing, as well as his speech--which is quite dreadful. It is so provoking as he learns so well and reads quite fluently; but his French is more like Chinese than anything else; poor child, he is really very unfortunate."

What a wonderful and charming woman.

Which celebrity do I look like?

A few weeks ago, Burb emailed a bunch of us with a link to a website called My Heritage. Among the many things that the site offers is a place where you can upload a photograph of yourself (or anyone for that matter) and see what celebrities you/they most look like. I never got a chance to try out the site because I didn't have a picture of myself at work, and I kinda forgot about the whole thing. That is until I saw this wonderful clip from VH1's "Best Week Ever" in which a bunch of the BWE hosts post their pictures on My Heritage. After that, I decided to check out the site again, this time armed with a picture. I received the following results:

Steve Reich 67%
Heath Ledger 66%
Matt Leblanc 63%
Richard Hammond 56%
Frank Oz 56%
Robert Downey Jr 55%
George W. Bush 52% (scary!)
Benjamin McKenzie 51%
Dean Cain 48%
Jerry Bruckheimer 48%

Each person has a percentage next to their name, which I guess means the accuracy of the match. Now, to me, really none of these people look like me. But, as you saw in the video (if you watched it) this thing is not too heavy on accuracy. Well, in order to compare the results, I submitted another photo. This time without facial hair. Here are those results:

Chester Bennington 72%
Ricky Martin 57%
Jean-Paul Gaultier 53%
Joe DiMaggio 51%
Lance Armstrong 50%
Gael Garcia Bernal 49%
Diego Maradona 48%
Iam Somerhalder 48%
Forest Whitaker 47%
Jacques Offenbach 47%

Aside from not knowing who either of my top matches are (Steve Reich is "America's greatest living composer" and Chester Bennington is not--as his name suggests--a porn star but rather the lead singer of Linkin Park) I was confused to see that there were no repeated individuals between the first (haired) picture and the second (nude-chinned one). This leads me to even further doubt the accuracy of My Heritage. So, what have I learned from all of this?? Well, for one thing, I am both incredibly handsome and incredibly ugly. I am equally young and hip as well as old and crusty. I have the look to be an actor or, just as easily, the President of the United States. Mostly, though, I learned that without facial hair I look Latino.

Another Anonymous Letter...

Dear Unattractive Girl on the Subway,

You really should do something about that hair. I know that barrettes are cute, but you need more than two small butterfly clips to control that massive hirsute bird's nest that you've got. Now, being a person who does not take care of his hair to any degree, I cannot judge you for your tangled misfortune. I just offer this as a suggestion: invest in a brush. Now, one can easily overlook the hair. The bitchy, holier-than-thou sneer, however, cannot be ignored. Your equine oral cavity with those large and intimidating teeth are hard to reckon with. And your aforementioned sneer, it only magnifies those immense incisors.
Most mornings you look like you've just stumbled out of bed after a wild night of truth and dare with your other ugly sorority sisters. Today I witnessed you sneer and roll your eyes at a girl sitting a few feet from you who dared to sneeze in your presence. You then searched the subway car for someone who would share in your contempt for this disgusting sneezer. Finding no one, you just raised your eyebrows, rolled your eyes again, and clicked your tongue. Bravo, young lady. I commend you on your behavior. I've seen you on the subway a few times, but never did I think that you could be any uglier than the day my eyes first fell upon your unpleasant visage. But today you proved me wrong. Barrettes and all.

Sincerely,

The guy with the iPod

Maybe in July...

To all of you who have recently emailed/called/telegrammed me: I apologize for not returning your communication. Things at work have been busy and crappy and busy and crappy and... we'll you get the point. This week for instance, I have a meeting from 10 am to 5 pm on Wednesday and 10 am to 5:30 pm on Thursday. And I'm taking Friday off to go get my marriage license (which I've been told is pretty important to the whole getting married thing). So that left me with just Monday and Tuesday to do about two weeks worth of work (thanks to an "adjustment" of our schedule we are about two weeks behind). All of this leaves me tired and cranky and incapable of reading emails. So, to Jack Thunder and all the others who have been emailing me funny videos this week, I'll get to them soon. Maybe in July...